


I'm Not There

by Voodoosgirl



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Marvel Infinity War, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Afterlife, Angst, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Bucky Barnes Feels, Character Study, Feels, Ghost Bucky Barnes, Grief/Mourning, Introspection, Long Live Feedback Comment Project, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2019-05-02 18:37:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14550885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Voodoosgirl/pseuds/Voodoosgirl
Summary: Thanos brought Steve to his knees, hands in the ash, facing the loss of Bucky again. What if the dead could see us? Reach across the void? What would Bucky's message be if he could talk to Steve after the snap?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to Schmidt1012 for the wonderful image in chapter 2. It's a great honor that this story inspired your work.

You’re there again today, aren’t you? Knees pressed to the ground where I fell. Fingers dug deep into the earth, mingling with the last of the ash that was me.

I can see you.

Your claiming hand reaching to lie on my body one last time.

I see those tears. I do appreciate it. But you’ve gotta know.

I’m not there.

I know you work in hard facts but I’m gonna tell you, this is unlike anything you or I have ever seen and I know we’ve seen it all. At least we thought we did.

I’m not there in the dirt and dust and ash of that forest floor.

Trust me, I’m not far away.

You know the shadow that flirts with your mind from around the corner, the electric rush of sensations that prickle your skin, the quick dart of a figure on the edge of your vision. It’s all me. Staring and dancing between the worlds, watching you in your grief.

Me, shadowed and still, but there, as near as I can get, close as this world; your world will allow.

I will forever defy the dividing line of these worlds to stay with you.

That brush of cold across the back of your hand? That was me, taking the caress that was long overdue.

The rush of sweat for no good reason? Me, again, my breath hot and close, the way we should have shared but time ran out. We should have taken that damn chance.

I know you feel it.

Sure you do. Admit it. I can see you twitch, your eyes dart towards my spirit, your head tilts to hear the whispers I can force across the divide. The witching hour startle awake to an empty room when you hear me say your name when you feel my ghost pass through your dreams. It’s all me, holding on to you. Not leaving.

I see you feel me.

I like that I can do that. Touch you, make you doubt your sanity, force you to feel the unseen world we’ve always denied. I never wanted to leave you, so I won’t, I’ll stay in the only way that’s left to me.

It’s comforting in this endlessness to know I can still move you.

We exist side by side, you and I. Death’s not gonna change that.

Don’t worry about me.

You set me free, saved my body, redeemed my soul, dragged me back from the darkness. I can still see that look of yours, no judgment, no bull, no pity. Did I tell you enough how much that meant to me? Probably not. I’ll tell you again now.

You hear that creaking noise outside your door, it’s me. The cold breeze on a still night, me again, grateful, telling you I’m near, missing you, aching to be close. Raising as much noise and flack and dust to catch your attention, pull you from your pain to show you without any doubt I am still here.

I know the guilt weighed me down. I didn’t know how heavy it all was, not til this. You should know it’s better now, seems like it’s dumped in the far corner of the universe, mine still but not mine to carry. Nearby but not heavy in my chest anymore. Guess that’s the up-side, right?

Anyway, it’s bright here. Clean. Safe.

Not too hot, not too cold. That’s definitely a good thing. Not too hot I mean. So not in hell. Yet.

Maybe what they say is true, hell is on earth. Sure felt that way for me most of the time.

Except for you.

Just glad I’m not there, in that firepit. Only, not being with you is the hell now.

Hey interesting fact, my arm is still metal in case you’re wondering. I guess the limb loss thing is permanent. You might want to let people know that.

Or not.

There’s no one else here. I can’t see anyone, it’s white, no clouds, not a veil, just white and open, like floating in the ocean, eyes closed, the sun burning on your eyelids, letting the waves take you, ears underwater blocking out all the noise.

Not like cryo though.

I never told you about cryostasis did I? How it felt to go under, come back up. What I remembered. It was black, no sounds, no light, nothing.

This isn’t like that, it’s better? I have thoughts, hell I’m talking to you, aren’t I? So this is better.

Well, better in some ways.

I’m not afraid, just so you know. Not afraid, after all, it’s over right?

Losing you is over. Happened fast, like tearing off the tape. A quick stabbing pain and done. Gone. Lost forever. What’s to be afraid of now?

Except for eternity without you.

I saw the look in your eyes when it happened. Scared. Not your style. I appreciate it though. You being scared for me.

I wanted to stop that look, I tried to reach you. I hope you saw that. Saw me reach for you.

It didn’t hurt. Going like that. So don’t worry about me. It was quick, tingling, then dark.

I’m grateful you were the last one I saw.

Not some ugly alien face or Wilson.

You. Just you watching me leave again.

That’s what hurt truth be told. Not the fading away, not falling again in front of you.

Leaving you is what hurt.

We weren’t expecting this, were we? We thought finally, back together, let’s kick some alien ass, save the universe and go home. Call it good, we’d go be goat farmers together. Take some weekend gigs saving the world.

Best laid plans.

I always thought you’d go first. Damn crazy, always looking for a fight Rogers.

I wish we had more time.

I wish I’d told you.

Stupid to waste time not saying what we’re thinking. Not telling you.

I can see you faintly over there. I know it’s you. I’d know you anywhere. Even from the other side of death. I’d know you.

I’ll wait, sure. Don’t hurry though, time’s not a thing here. I’ll be fine as long as I can see you moving through your life. You should make it a good one, maybe lighten up a bit, just saying Rogers. 

Oh, right, keep talking to me, I can hear you, even if it's a whisper, deep in your head. Keep talking. I won’t get lost if I can hear your voice. I’ll hang right here nearby listening, watching, waiting. Close, as close as I can get.

Listen, meanwhile, just don’t do anything stupid.

Finally, I didn’t.

I just followed you. I'd still follow you. Luck of the draw that it was me and not you.

No regrets. Except not saying the words, not showing you, not having more time.

Even a hundred years wasn’t enough.

I’ll be here. As close as these worlds will allow. My breath matches your breath, my heart beats in time with yours. Just feel it, always, until it's time to be inseparable once again.


	2. Honored by Fanart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The wonderful Schmidt1012 has created this beautiful piece. Thank you for honoring this story with your creativity.

**Author's Note:**

> This story is part of the [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:
> 
> Feedback
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comments
>   * Questions
>   * Constructive criticism
>   * “<3” as extra kudos
>   * Reader-reader interaction
> 

> 
> [LLF Comment Builder](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/post/170952243543/now-presenting-the-llf-comment-builder-beta)
> 
> This author replies to comments.
> 
> “If you don’t want a reply, for any reason (sometimes I feel shy when I’m reading and not up to starting a conversation, for example), feel free to sign your comment with “whisper” and I will appreciate it but not respond!“


End file.
